brip blap» family

a money parable that doesn’t make sense

Steve — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 11:00:53 +0000

The owner of a successful small business in his hometown had two sons. The younger son asked one day if the father could lend (really give) him a substantial amount of money. The father, being the trusting sort, gave him the money without asking why he needed it. The younger son took off for a distant big city where he spent everything and then ran up substantial credit card debt on top of that. The economy in the big city went south and he had trouble paying for his pricey condo in a “hot” neighborhood. Things got so bad that he took a job in a restaurant and started eating food that people left on their plates.

The young man said “My father has so much money, and I’m starving! I’ll go back to him and apologize and even offer to work for him.” So the young man went home. His father was overjoyed to see him. The young man apologized for his wasteful behavior, and asked to be forgiven. He said he wasn’t worthy to be his son anymore.

The father instead took him to a fine men’s store and bought him a new suit. He gave his employees the day off and took his son and his employees to a fine chain restaurant and threw a party, ordering many delicious appetizers.

Now all this time the elder son, who also worked for his father, was attending to business with an important client. He had worked hard all of these years for his father’s business. He had never asked for anything – he had worked hard, lived below his means and saved for the future. When he checked his Blackberry, though, he noticed that everyone took the day off and was partying at the Outback.

He fired off an email on his Blackberry to his assistant asking what the occasion was. “UR bro is back & we R throwing a party ” replied the assistant.

The elder son was furious. He drove to the Outback but sat outside, sulking. His father came out and begged him to come in. The elder son was in no mood to hear this. He snarled, “I’ve worked for you for years. I’ve never done the least thing to embarrass you. I’ve provided for myself and my family, I’ve grown the business, I’ve never gone into debt – and you never threw a party for me at Red Lobster, let alone the Outback.”

“But my little brother blew through YOUR money, spending it all on strippers and appletinis, and yet you’re throwing a party for him.”

The father considered this, then said “Listen, you have been a good son. When I retire, my business is yours. Everything I own goes to you in my will. But we should be happy. Your brother, who had disappeared, is back. He was lost, but now he is found.”

The end.

My story is (of course) a modernization of the parable of the prodigal son. My question is this: is the father’s debt forgiveness really consistent with what we expect as people who pay attention to personal finance? Isn’t it really unfair to reward the younger son’s debt? He’s not a bad person, maybe, everyone makes mistakes – but isn’t the elder son right to be annoyed? Why didn’t they even see fit to invite him to the party? Or is this the whole point of the idea of recovering from substantial debt – that, in a way, the battle to escape debt is worthy of celebration? I guess maybe it’s also about the fact that your love of family should be greater than your love of money (or hatred of waste), but it’s tough for me to grasp.

Photo Some rights reserved by missmeng

Copyright © 2011 brip blap. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact us at bripblap.com so we can take legal action immediately.

aluminum boats

Steve — Fri, 07 Oct 2011 10:00:02 +0000

Here’s a quick and simple game for kids. Give them some aluminum foil – an equal amount for each kid. Tell them to design a boat, and then take the boats outside and float them in tubs of water. Start adding pennies to each boat, and see which boat can hold the most pennies before sinking.

The lesson which the kids will learn is that large, flat and wide boats float better with pennies in them than small, narrow and steep boats. I read about this game in my mom’s blog – she’s a gifted teacher for young kids and presents them with these challenges that are appropriate for young kids. I’d argue most older people would struggle with this challenge, too.

When I was substitute teaching as a gifted teacher back in college*, I executed a plan laid out by the teacher (who, coincidentally, was my mom): here’s an egg, here’s a lot of paper, let’s go to the second story and construct a device that will get the egg to the ground without breaking. It’s a tough challenge! But kids managed to do it every year.

You can give anyone a challenge. As a kid, it’s easy to rise to it – everything is new and you WANT, desperately, to overcome. You’re going to apply yourself and overcome it, because you’re excited to learn, to challenge, to overcome. I think most of lose that feeling over the years. A challenge becomes an irritant, not a possibility. You just want things to go away instead of wanting to beat them. I know I do from time to time.

But life is full of challenges, and to live life fully you have to attack those challenges with the assumption they are solvable. Otherwise, you’re just going to take the path of least resistance and end up disappointed and frustrated. Build a great aluminum boat, and watch it float.

*I was a substitute junior high teacher throughout college and a college instructor for 3 years – I fully intended to be a teacher, and I’ve taught hundreds of hours of classroom time. So I say I was “a teacher” although I was simply an itinerant member of the profession.

Mister Rogers and Daniel Tiger

Steve — Wed, 03 Aug 2011 01:13:04 +0000

This one might have slipped past the non-parents out there (and even some of the parents) but I happened to stumble across the news that PBS was bringing back Mister Rogers. "Aw, how nice," I thought, remembering fondly all of the silly puppets and grandfatherly Mr. Rogers, who along with Captain Kangaroo (and Bugs Bunny and Big Bird) provided most of the TV memories of my childhood.

But reading along in the article, I saw that they weren’t going to have a new actor play Mr. Rogers. Instead, it looks like we’ll be getting another CGI children’s show with anthropomorphic animals. Take a look at the new ‘lead,’ Daniel Tiger:

Now, Daniel Tiger WAS one of the original characters, but he was an actual puppet, not a cartoon:

Why does this matter? Call me paranoid, or overly obsessed with the ramming of consumerism down our throats non-stop, but why even imply that somehow this new series will be associated with the old "Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood" unless the purpose is to fire up parents’ nostalgia (so they’ll let kids watch) and then pump the kids heads full of cute songs and cute critters who will be conveniently available in $14.99 4 inch tall versions at Toys R Us? Who wants to bet there will be action figures and lunchboxes and t-shirts with Daniel Tiger plastered all over them? Do we need more babbling animals on children’s TV? Could we please show them a human grownup once in a while? This is a larger part of the reason we cancelled cable (although we do still let our kids watch certain children’s shows on Netflix… it’s hard to put that genie back in the bottle).

Fred Rogers was a passionate advocate for children’s television, and I suspect the commercialization of children’s television would have horrified him. Considering he died eight years ago, he probably even saw enough to be disturbed. But somehow, I think seeing his calm, imaginative-but-clearly-play-time show turned into some weird CGI fantasy with talking animals would have disappointed him. It sure disappoints me.

what if no one was watching

Steve — Wed, 15 Jun 2011 12:02:07 +0000

Although I’ve lived in three different countries and worked for long periods of time in dozens of others, I had never spent a lot of time around young children (other than my own, of course, in the last five years). I certainly never paid much attention to child development or early education. I’ve read here and there about child development in different countries, and parenting theories, but I did most of that reading early on in parenthood, and now I don’t care as much – I simply try to do the best I can within the narrow set of philosophies that Bubelah and I have adopted and treat as gospel (the importance of play as taught by Waldorf schools, promoting reading and storytelling, and a very low-pressure approach to achievement, i.e. letting them find their own pace). But I don’t have a good understanding of how other people in my community raise their kids, let alone how parents in other cultures in the US or in foreign countries do it.

One of the aspects of our Western – particularly American – society that troubles me is the community ideal that focuses on what people “are” in terms of their work. Children are asked “what do you want to be when you grow up?” by well-intentioned adults as if the goal of life is to find a profession. Nobody ever asks kids what they want to be when they grow up with the expectation of hearing “happy” or “curious” or “living near a beach.” Schools promote the idea of education as a “path” leading to the mythical job-guaranteeing “college” and then to a “secure” job with a multi-national corporation offering sick-care benefits and a carefully directed “retirement plan” in which the company forces you to save your money in funds they selected while they squeezed you over forty years for ever more time and ever less money.

Two thoughts: first, my quotation marks key is starting to creak, and second, this current model of life in modern Western society is going to be unpleasant to the great majority of people. Many people may not recognize it as unpleasant, and will pay great attention to attending University X and getting a job with Megacorp Inc. all the while going home to sit in front of their 52″ widescreen and watch people who – if nothing else – are actually pursuing their dreams in the 21st century version of gladiator combat, American Idol. And that’s something that bothers me increasingly. I hate the stupidity of shows like American Idol (which I have never seen – I’m judging based on commercials) but I’d rather see my daughter singing “classic” songs from Toni Braxton on American Idol than hunched over a keyboard on the 3rd floor of a 5 floor office park building with the gentle flickering of fluourescent lights above her. I’d rather see my son working as a park ranger than trudging back and forth to a job he hates so he can afford “necessities” like a gym membership and a subscription to The Economist.

I don’t meant to rant. I just wonder how much of what we “do” – meaning our work, not what we REALLY do – is driven by the idea that someone is watching us. There are expectations everywhere: not to let down parents, relatives, friends, our schools, our community, our spouses, our children and even ourselves. But why would anything be a “let down”? I think that often the let down is solely internal. I have no doubt that if I was able to maintain a reasonable lifestyle – meaning healthy food, a home, health insurance, clothing, etc. – I could do whatever I wanted without disappointing anyone. If I switched tomorrow to being a sanitation worker/blogger, would that “let down” anyone? It might disappoint the self-constructed mental image I have of myself, that society has contributed to, as an “educated” person who shouldn’t do manual labor. But what would I do if no-one was watching? What would you do? I would argue that based on the large amount of pharmaceuticals and their heavy dosage of reality TV in America that many people are attempting to medicate themselves and their brains into not pursuing this mental line of questioning. I’ve certainly been guilty of that myself (although I substitute movies for reality TV).

If I am honest with myself, I’d agree with an offhanded comment made by the comedian Bill Burr on (I think) Doug Benson’s podcast. He said nobody is sitting in a cubicle working on spreadsheets because they dreamed of it as a child. Nobody’s getting “filled up” by that work. And life’s a compromise, in many ways. Many people are happy to exchange their time for money so they can buy an iPad or a Roku. I’m fully engaged in that compromise as things stand today. Maybe I still will be in five years. And maybe the goal of children in this world is to live like characters in “Defending Your Life” (one of the best movies I’ve ever seen, watch it if you haven’t seen it). Parents do the best they can to provide a sturdy, well-built diving board for their children to leap off of, but once kids hit the water they have to swim. The trick will be to learn to swim without fear, using whatever stroke is best for them, and not to worry that anyone is watching that they do it the “right way.”

parenting moments

Steve — Tue, 10 May 2011 11:26:53 +0000

I originally wrote this post about 3 years ago when my son, Little Buddy, was starting to talk fairly well. I was cycling through some old posts and thought this one was nice enough to republish.

Yesterday Little Buddy woke up and called out for me, as he usually does. I was downstairs and heard the standard declaration on the monitor: “Papa, I’m awake!”

I went upstairs, and since I was already partially dressed for work he immediately asked me – even before leaving the crib – “Papa, going to work?”

“Well, yes, Little Buddy,” I replied.

“Why? Stay home,” he shot back in a plaintive tone.

“I can’t. We need money,” I said.

“Why?” he asked. I have been explaining the concept of money to him slowly – probably a little bit too much for 2.5 years old, but why not?

“Because we need money to pay for things – all the good food Little Buddy eats, the house…” I said.

“Need money to eat?” he asked.

“Yes,” I admitted, in a drastic but not at all untrue simplification.

He paused and considered. You could almost see the light bulb explode in his head.

“Papa, today Little Buddy no eat. Papa no need money, no go to work, stay home, play all day.”

These are the moments that both break and exalt a parent’s heart.
photo credit: multi_everything

7 things you don’t want to skimp on

Steve — Tue, 29 Mar 2011 12:07:29 +0000

You don’t always want to save as much as you possibly can on everything. I can think of at least a few examples where spending the least amount possible is not always a great idea:

Education.

I am a huge proponent of public education for two reasons: 1, the involvement with your community, both for parent and child, is going to happen somewhere – there is no sense in insulating yourselves from it; 2, you’ve already paid for it (through taxes). That having been said, education – particularly college – is not a good candidate for finding the cheapest option simply because it’s cheapest. That might seem to contradict some of my earlier pieces. But I don’t think it really does – I simply think that far too many people choose the most expensive college just because it’s the most expensive, and that’s wrong, too. At every level you need to find options that are good for you and that really address your goals.

Health care.

This one is tough. Of course you don’t want to overspend, but I can tell you that when you are seriously ill, most – not all, most – thoughts about money go right out the window. Of course in the case of lingering illnesses, such as happened in my family this summer, you still have to worry about the person’s family’s future – will the cost of health care be too much to allow them to keep a house, for example? And it’s a sad state in this country that we have to worry about the cost of wellcare. But in general, when you are really sick or injured, you don’t stop the hospital from doing procedure X because it costs too much. The hospital or insurance company may stop it, though.

Cars and related expenses.

When you read people suggesting ways to save money on cars, I always think “this is a metal box that you get in and drive around in at 60 miles per hour – do you really want the cheapest car you can get?” I want the safest car, with reasonable mileage that keeps it from being an outright assault on the environment. I’ll pay a bit extra for the good tires, even though I could get reconditioned ones cheaper. Then again, I still drive a 2001 Pontiac Grand Prix.

Insurance.

If you live in a flood zone, you can save some money by skimping on the flood insurance. When the flood comes, though, if your insurance isn’t enough to rebuild your place or buy a new one, why did you bother? What was the point of saving that money if you can’t use the insurance when you need it? Make sure you’re insured against financial catastrophe. Life insurance is important. Having a $100 deductible on your auto isn’t.

Babyproofing equipment.

I think the choice here is clear. If you want to skimp on gates at the top of the stairs for your child, then I don’t think you have your priorities straight.

Food.

This one may be a little more contentious, but I think trying to save money on certain types of food is ridiculous. If you eat meat, try this experiment. Go buy some heavily processed, dyed, factory-farm raised chicken, and buy some organic free range chicken. Prepare them both the same way, but don’t overdo the breading, herbs, spices, whatever – keep it simple. Try both of them. Tell me which one was a better use of money. If you aren’t a meat eater, try buying organic, locally produced tomatoes and then buy a Mexican imported tomato from the supermarket. In both cases, the more expensive option is likely to taste far better, therefore it satisfies you better meaning you’ll eat less, enjoy it more and be less tempted to let it sit in the fridge until it goes bad. It’s probably healthier, too, but I won’t even use that argument.

This one is the tough one – making money.

If you are starting a business or investing, you don’t necessarily want the cheapest possible option. Undeveloped property 80 feet from the road with no plumbing or electricity in Montana might be cheap, but that doesn’t mean it’s a good investment. If you are starting up a restaurant, you don’t want to serve the cheapest possible food.
I guess the purpose of these examples is to show that sometimes the mania for frugality and savings isn’t always the best idea. Saving money can’t always be solely about retiring or financial freedom. Between now and then there is a life to be lived, and lived safely and comfortably.

should you have children?

Steve — Tue, 25 Jan 2011 03:20:14 +0000

Sometimes it’s hard to come up with a subject to blog about, so tonight I’ll borrow Syd’s thoughts:

If you decide not to have children, you’re also going to have to learn how to fit in to a world that doesn’t understand you. When people find out that you don’t want kids, be prepared for their shock. But take comfort in the fact that it’s not as bad as their reaction would be if they found out you were secretly a serial killer.

from How to Fit in Without Kids

It’s an interesting debate. My wife and I certainly talk, with curiosity, about people we know who have chosen not to have kids. Yet ten years ago, I counted myself among those people. Until I met my wife I had little interest in having children; actually, if I’m honest with myself, I had none. I don’t know why, exactly – I had a good childhood, I was happy with family life. I simply didn’t care that much about having kids. When I look back, and try to be honest with myself, it was selfishness. I was busy with my life for a lot of years. I worked very hard, I played very hard… I traveled, I socialized. I spent a lot of time doing stuff for me. Children just seemed like they would be an inconvenience to that life. And I was right.

It’s a trite and tedious comment to say that once you have kids, everything changes. It’s true, though. My life revolved around ME until I was a husband, but even then I had plenty of time for myself. Bubelah and I were both working and could do things as separate people. We didn’t have responsibilities. Sure, we thought we did – we thought the family visits and the social events and work-related crud were responsibilities, but now I know that pales in comparison to nighttime feedings, pouring juice, wiping butts, preparing food, playtime, storytime, sicktime, and bedtime. And when work bummed me out I could take a vacation. You can’t do that with a kid. You certainly can’t do it with two (or more).

So I get Syd’s article. Now that I have two children I look at childless couples and – sadly – my first thought is usually “wow, too bad, I guess they can’t have kids” – as if no-one could rationally choose that path except through the accidents of biology. But then I reflect, and I think that the world would be much better off if people could seriously and thoughtfully consider their rationale for becoming parents. How often is it societal or parental or other types of pressure that lead people into thinking they ‘need’ kids? How many people NEED to reproduce? The world’s not lacking for people, last time I checked.

I’ll throw out one more trite saying: now that I have kids, I can’t even vaguely conceive of life without them. And I’m not just being sentimental, because it’s hard to have kids and many times they are just not fun. My son and I had a meltdown last night when I punished him (no bedtime book) for calling me a name shortly before bedtime. I was mad, he was mad. It wasn’t fun, and I didn’t feel the joy of parenthood at that moment. As I write this I had to jump up from the computer and put my daughter back to sleep after she cried – for no apparent reason. But I still feel an overwhelming sense of closeness to my children that’s impossible to dismiss. I’ve felt endless hours of tiredness, boredom, irritation, and so on, but those hours have been tempered by moments and flashes of pure joy – first words, hugs without reservation and the usual glowing types of experiences parents tout. They’ve been cut with many hours of cute songs, fun play, interesting outings and charming displays.

I love my kids. But does that mean everyone needs children? No. No more than my love of warm weather means everyone should move to a temperate climate. Choices are made about one’s life, and although we tend to make children a central life choice, it’s not the only choice and in many senses may be only one of many. Where to live, what work to choose, who to associate with as friends, religion, diet, money – these are all important, too. You can live a full life with children, but you can live a full life without – just as you can live a desperate life with children, or without.

What you shouldn’t do is judge other people’s choices. There’s an old saying that has always seemed to me to be the epitome of reasonableness and nightmarish lack of concern for other people: “the world needs ditchdiggers, too.” That’s harsh, but you know what? It’s true. Well, in the same sense, not everyone NEEDS to have kids. Some because they shouldn’t, and – let’s face it – some people don’t want them, even if they’d make great parents. It’s a shocking thing to say, I think, coming from a parent; but it’s true. So parents – treasure your kids. People who aren’t parents – and don’t want to be – will be just fine the way they are.

consumerism and dancing

Steve — Mon, 03 Jan 2011 19:00:30 +0000

One of the lessons I’ve learned from being a father of two is that the relationship between happiness and ‘things’ for children is established early on. You won’t be able to completely sever the mental connection between happiness and the accumulation of stuff, either. As a parent, you’d like to see your children spurn the exciting kiddie t-shirts and the cool beeping toys, but it’s a battle you’re going to lose unless you keep them in a van down by the river, separate from civilization.

Children are naturally attracted to exciting toys, just as adults are. Things that flash and play music and show us interesting pictures are tempting at any age. We send our son to a Waldorf school, which strictly prohibits the use of electronics in the school (no TV, no computers) and strongly discourages their use in the child’s home (which we, sadly, have not honored as we should have).

My son’s classmates are generally the children of – for lack of a better word – bohemian families, who emphasize local/organic eating, vegetarianism, simple living and so on. At the same time it’s clear that all of these children know who Spiderman is. It’s hard to avoid pop culture, and the pop culture is what sucks them in to consumerism. I add to it – I’m a fan of Batman, and both of my kids certainly know who that is by this point.

But it’s not all bad. I’ve realized that fighting consumerism is a losing battle (unless you’re willing to grit your teeth and fix up that van…down by the river). Parents can, though, teach their children a few key lessons – and take some decisive actions – to teach their children they are more than the sum of the things they own.

Don’t hide the world from them – or them from the world. I don’t like soda – I quit drinking it years ago and only have it a few times each year. I hope my children never develop a taste for soda, and I won’t keep it in the house. At the same time, I know I can’t keep them from it. I hate guns and gun violence on TV, and I’ve mostly succeeded at keeping them from seeing it. But I do let them drink a Sprite once in a while at a restaurant. I will let them pretend to play swords or even shoot “shrink rays.” You can’t assume that you’ll prevent your children from being exposed to ANYTHING, no matter how repellent you find it.

Eventually, everything you dislike – politics, illegal or unethical behavior, horrible foods, and on and on – will be in front of them. Prepare them for it. Be interested in their interests to combat those things. After the millionth reading of I Am A Rabbit or Frosty the Snowman I’ve come to appreciate my parents’ efforts to stay interested in my interests growing up (and they still do). If your kid likes dinosaurs, spend a few minutes reading up on dinosaurs and surprise them with some cool facts. Are they interested in painting? Help them learn how to clean brushes. Do they like stories about dragons? Read stories about dragons.

Get out of the way. Children can’t develop self-confidence if you slather Purell on their hands every time they play with dirt. How confident will they be when they leave home for college if you’ve never let them spend the night away from home? How vulnerable will they be to binge drinking and drugs if you’ve forced your teen to come home at 8 pm on weekends and never let them touch a beer? Sometimes you have to let your toddlers go down the slide and skin their knees. Confidence is developed by failing and and trying again, not by having a parent swoop in to the rescue at the last minute.

“Neither a debtor nor a lender be”. In Act I of Hamlet, Polonius utters this phrase, which was relayed to me endlessly by my grandfather, and then my mother. I know it seems harsh. Sometimes we need debt – think mortgages. Sometimes we’ll be lenders – think family in need. But I think this phrase rings deeply and profoundly true to anyone who reads it and understands it. There may be exceptions, but debt is to be avoided. Lending to family in need may seem like a good idea, but if you can, just give. Don’t lend money, ever, unless you are prepared to lose it. Don’t ever incur debt – ideally not even for a mortgage but that is sometimes unavoidable. Teach your children this financial lesson and you have taught them 99.9% of what they need to know about personal finance.

My children, for example, are not each just the child of two parents. They are a person. I made the mistake for years of defining myself by my job, which was an easy error to make. It was exciting – it took me around the world, it gave me a corner office overlooking Central Park and it paid me huge amounts of money. I allowed myself to think I was my job. But you know what? I quit that job eventually and someone else is doing it now. I am still me. It took me a while to rebuild my sense of myself after quitting, but I knew deep down I was not just my job, or my money, or my things. Don’t ever let your children grow more attached to things, and don’t pressure them to be a doctor, or an astronaut. Even the question ‘what do you want to be when you grow up?’ can be dangerous: it implies they need to ‘be’ a career, or a job. Let them be themselves when they grow up. My son has a great answer for this if anyone asks him: he wants to be a person.

Dance. This is the best advice and the one I often forget; if truth be told this advice is as much for me as anyone. If you teach kids from an early age to love music, and to stand up and wave their arms as soon as they can, they’ll be happier. There are few activities more universal or more releasing than dancing. It doesn’t have to be ballroom, or anything structured. Just jump around. It combines music (happy), exercise releasing good endorphins (happy), being in the moment without distractions (happy), and just being together (happy). Too often as adults we’re tired after a long day, but trust me – if you did nothing else with your kids but dance, they’ll be happy.

Don’t fight consumerism, or the onslaught of information, or the modern world. Don’t cling to ideas about your own idealized childhood. Just try to throw a few little roadblocks in front of the consumer convoy, and maybe you’ll disrupt your children enough that they’ll veer off the interstate and end up on the scenic highway.

charity for Russian children

Steve — Mon, 27 Dec 2010 13:35:59 +0000

I originally wrote this post a couple of years ago, but in the Christmas spirit I decided to update it a bit. At the time I took place in a group writing project over at Babylune. The project asked bloggers to highlight their favorite charity. I thought it was a great chance to offer a little support to my favorite charity, and support a very positive writing project.

I came across the Russian Children’s Welfare Society a few years ago through an Internet search trying to identify a charity for the benefit of Russian children. Having lived in Russia for several years in the mid-90s, I’ve always had a soft spot for the country. In addition, I’ve always been very moved by the plight of the most helpless people in any society – the very young, the very ill and the very old. The RCWS has been in existence since 1926. The primary purpose – to help Russian children – has become especially critical after the fall of the Soviet Union. Russia now has nearly 700,000 children in orphanages, a sad total, but nothing compared to the estimated 2.5 million homeless children. The RCWS directs its giving in several ways (from the website):

Medical care, the education of the Russian doctors that provide it, and supplies
Orphanages and homeless shelters
Rehabilitation centers for the disabled or mentally challenged
Educational scholarships
A Moscow “Yelka” (New Year) party during the holiday season for over 2,000 children. We believe it is the most important celebration of its kind in Russia. Each child receives a gift. For many, it is the only one they will receive for Christmas.

There are also programs specifically benefiting the survivors of the Beslan massacre. The Beslan massacre took place September 1, 2004 at a school in the North Caucasus. A group of terrorists took the school hostage, and on the third day of the standoff a gun battle broke out with Russian security forces. Over 300 civilians were killed, including 186 children. For a town with only 35,000 residents this was a horrific blow, and the need for psychological and emotional support is critical.

Most Westerners have never had to see the horror of children begging and stealing in the streets. It is truly one of the most awful things you can see, and it affects me even more deeply as a parent now. The thought of children meeting Ded Moroz (Santa Claus/St. Nicholas) at the RCWS Yelka (basically the Russian equivalent of a Christmas party) for the first time in their lives and receiving what may be for many of them the first present they’ve ever received in their lives always makes me tear up.

RCWS also helps with scholarships for older orphans, reconstructive surgery (cleft palates, etc.) and many other programs. There’s simply so much to do that I’m sure even if they received millions every year they’d still spend it all without spending a minute worrying about HOW.

RCWS spends more on direct aid to children than it takes in (as of 2005, the latest available public data). You can read more about them at Guidestar (registration required).

I know there are many important and desperate causes in the world, and everyone has to decide what is important in their own mind. Here is the contact information for the RCWS.

Russian Children’s Welfare Society, Inc.
200 Park Avenue South, Suite 1617
New York, NY 10003
1-888-732-RCWS
1-212-473-6263
Fax: 1-212-473-6301
main@rcws.org

Note 1: RCWS does not assist in adoptions in any way, shape or form. They are not an adoption agency, so please don’t assume they will help in any way, shape or form with adoptions!
Note 2: I am not in any way affiliated with RCWS other than as a donor.

And the happy ending to this post can be found here.

a moment without

Steve — Mon, 13 Dec 2010 12:00:10 +0000

My kids go to a Waldorf-inspired preschool. Not because we send them there for childcare or because we both work, but because I got inspired by Waldorf philosophy and then Bubelah did, too. We felt our children needed to experience some time with other kids outside of playgroups, and so we settled on a Waldorf-inspired school, first for Little Buddy, and this year for Pumpkin. Both of my children have responded well to it – the environment is warm (for lack of a better word) and creative, and it’s provided them with some magical childhood moments.

One such moment was this Saturday, the Winter Spiral – basically an Advent ceremony. The single most important element in the Winter Spiral is the mood. It is supposed to be a quiet, dark, calm ceremony. The room is laid out like this: a large spiral created of pine greenery and interesting branches is decorated with pine cones and other seasonal natural items. In the center stands a large pillar candle, lit, on a stump. Outside of the spiral someone stands with a tray with one red apple per child. The apples need to have been cored and a small candle put into each. In turn, the kids stand up and take an apple with a lit candle from the person holding the tray. The room is dimly lit, and Christmas carols are being played on a harp or lyre.

Each child walks the spiral, slowly. The child approaches the candle in the center and lights their candle. Each child then turns back and finds a good place to put their candle amongst the greenery. Then they return to their seat. That’s really the whole ceremony – light a candle, place it, listen to some gentle Christmas music.

Now, I know this sounds a little new-age-y. There’s no educational purpose to it. But I’ll also add that it’s the first child-centric activity I’ve been to since I’ve had kids where ALL the adults listened to the request of the Waldorf teachers NOT to record the event with cameras; to keep crying babies or restless siblings out of the room; and to really respect an attempt to make a magic moment for the children.

In my opinion, it did. It was a beautiful moment in a quiet, small space, and the children seemed properly awed by the ceremonial nature of the event. It’s true – it’s a pagan-inspired ritual, it’s a gimmick, it’s a primitive recognition that the lifegiver Sun is at solstice and the year is at its darkest point. I get all that. I’m a rational person. But I think childhood can also be made of beautiful moments – even if invented – and removing the flash of lightbulbs and chatter of adults and babies and siblings can render a fun moment breathtaking.

So that was our Winter Spiral. As I said yesterday, I get a little frustrated with the consumerism surrounding this season, and so I’m positively predisposed to enjoy something non-electronic, non-consumerist and simply calm. I’m the target audience for this type of activity. But even if it’s simply a brief respite, it’s a welcome one, and something that most kids (and parents) should experience; that or something similar.

Photo reprinted without permission (but I hope they don’t mind) from The TARREMAH STEINER SCHOOL

how kids (can) make you poor

Steve — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 04:05:15 +0000

Raising a child can cost up to $250,000 – and that’s from a study done almost 20 years ago. That’s only the cost through high school – college is another problem entirely, unless you don’t plan on paying for your child’s education (and I don’t). Having a kid is expensive. Having a second is less expensive – hand-me-downs and shared costs can reduce the individual costs – but a larger family is going to cost a fortune. The simple fact is that you won’t become AS rich with kids.

I’ve seen the question of children play out a dozen different ways with friends and in my own life. My parents had kids (my brother and me) when they were barely out of their teenage years. I have friends who waited until they were almost 40 to have kids. One couple fervently and frequently insisted they would never have kids – and show no signs of changing their minds. In each case, the decision to have a child (or children) was deeply personal, and made for a number of reasons – but seldom considering the cost. The simple fact is that you’ll be better off financially without kids. Kids are expensive.

It’s a potentially sensitive topic … and most people don’t want to have that conversation. “Kids bring so much joy into your life!” “Kids are their own reward!” I’m biased – the cliches are all true. My son’s a supernova of energy, creative and amazingly verbal. My daughter’s charming and almost impossibly cheerful. They are joys. But to be realistic, I have to admit that because of them I will not be as wealthy as I could have been. I regret nothing, but I also understand that I’m going to have to work harder accumulating wealth than I would have without children.

So how do we plan to compensate? If you have kids, how can you avoid spending more than you need to? It’s not the nature of my blog to talk about ways to save money on Cheerios by buying the store brand – although you should. But I do have a few “big ideas”:

I’m not paying for my kid’s PRIVATE college education. If Little Buddy or Pumpkin want to attend a private school, they’d better develop tennis skills or become world-class scholars. I’m not paying for Pumpkin to attend an Ivy. I’ll help, but if they can’t pay for a private college, they can go to a public university, just like Mama and Papa did. We did just fine.
We will readjust our lives around their education early on, though. We moved to Florida to escape crappy public schools in Jersey, and made sure we landed in a school district considered one of the best in the state.
I will strive to teach independence. This sounds stupid, but I have seen so many of my colleagues in corporate America talking about their mid-20 (or even mid-30) year old children living at home. I know I can talk big now, but I left home at 18 and my children will too. If they can’t afford a home, I’ll tell them to move to a cheaper locale. An unmarried 35-year-old living with their parents needs to experience life.
We will resist consumerism. A couple of years ago, one of my neighbors bought one of those big car-battery powered cars – with a working FM radio – for their daughters. Little Buddy loved it. I was tempted to get him one. He didn’t, and doesn’t, need it. I have fallen victim again and again to the urge to buy toys. Sometimes it makes sense: I bought him a farm set that he plays with daily. Sometimes I fail: I have bought a half dozen balls (football, baseball, soccer) and he is utterly indifferent to all of them that don’t have Spiderman on them. But I see a sickness in most parents around me: the need to buy distractions. I struggle to remind myself that learning to pretend my wooden blocks were race cars taught me to IMAGINE things. My parents would have done me a disservice by buying me Leapfrog, or whatever the 70s equivalent was. Learning how to live with less – at least as far as toys – is a gift, not a burden.

But none of these cost-saving ideas can compensate for the fact that a childless couple (or a single person) will simply be much better off than a couple with kids. I won’t recommend one choice or the other, because it’s such a personal choice. But don’t let anyone tell you otherwise: in the short term, having kids is no big deal. You can afford formula, diapers, baby clothes. But in the long run, having kids will change your career choices, affect your ability to save and limit your choices about almost everything. Make sure you’re comfortable with the long-term cost before you take the leap.

teaching and being taught, and links

Steve — Sat, 28 Aug 2010 02:02:00 +0000

I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned this on this blog or not, but I spent a fair amount of time as a part-time schoolteacher for both middle school and college freshmen as a substitute teacher and later as a graduate assistant. I taught intro to calculus and accounting in grad school and substituted for math, gifted ed and other subjects when I was still chasing my starry-eyed dream of becoming a math professor. I was good. My students liked me and I don’t recall if I’ve ever had a negative review or bad experience teaching (I don’t think I have). I continued my teaching/training throughout my corporate career, leading new employee classes and training in software for over 15 years. I like training and teaching. Nowadays I do little of that as a corporate consultant – nobody wants me to train, they want me to DO. And now, if not yesterday.

Well, I get glimpses of the past and flashbacks now that I have kids. I spent a couple of days at my children’s preschool/pre-K school where Little Buddy attends pre-K and Pumpkin goes to daycare (or preschool or whatever you’d like to call it). I do realize from time to time, when I self-analyze my abilities, that I do have one ability if nothing else: kids like me. I can engage them in learning and don’t make them nervous as some other parents do. I probably would have made a decent grade school or middle school teacher if I could have supported a family on that salary. That’s a sad observation, frankly, but one for another post.

I’ll make one other observation, too, unrelated to personal finance or careers: my children’s school concentrates heavily on play, and I like it. Not learning, but play – directed, but not with any intention towards teaching any specific subject. It’s interesting as a parent to process the conflicting emotions that arise from watching this: you want your kids to learn but I also (mentally) slap myself and say “Pumpkin’s not even 3 yet – she deserves play time.” I’m a firm believer in the concept that kids need play time – creative time, self-directed – to develop themselves. They’ll have plenty of time to be crammed into desks and forced to learn times tables later, I guess. Just my parental opinion, I guess.

MonaVie Blackmails Me?: Stunning that a company, or a rep for a company, would stoop this low. Read the article to see how low a supposedly ‘legitimate’ company can stoop. You can also read MonaVie: Multi-Level Marketing Gone Haywire for more idiocy. I can’t believe anyone falls for MonaVie’s crap after I’ve read stuff like this.

Blue Cash Rewards Increase: I’ve owned a Blue Cash card for years, so this is good news. I’ll take it…

Social Lending Arbitrage Beats Projections: I still think Lending Club is a good bet – if you’re interested in trying it they have a $25 signup bonus right now. I’d treat it like any other investment – it has its ups and downs, but it can serve as a reasonable diversification strategy versus the market.

Personal Finance the Krav Maga Way: Since I’ve seen all the Krav Maga signs up around my neighborhood, I thought this was an amusing – and timely – post.

Small but Alarming Indicator: This is unpleasant – but not unexpected – anecdotal news. On the other hand, Bubelah just attended a small business workshop where they barely had enough room for the interested attendees, and I remarked that it must have been all of the laid-off people thinking about launching small businesses (and good for them if they were)…

Life After Debt: What It’s Like in the Third Stage of Personal Finance: Just an interesting read, on many levels (fitness, travel, etc.)

and more…

the passion of the hobbit

Steve — Fri, 06 Aug 2010 03:25:58 +0000

It’s a subject I waffle back and forth on – the idea that passion needs to rule your life. It seems obvious, of course, that you should have passion for your spouse, children… then maybe a bit less obvious but still reasonable to have the same passion for relatives, friends and interests. Even less obvious would be the very abstract things like country, career, sports teams and so on. If you’re passionate about something lower on the list like that – say, American Idol – reexamine your priorities. I was passionate about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and I recognize that it wasn’t a good direction for my passions. I got a lot of entertainment out of it but my life is exactly 0.0% improved because of it.

But if you can’t focus on something, it’s a shortcoming. In my case, I don’t have a lot of passion for my work. I view it as a mechanical activity that provides food, shelter, clothing and Netflix for the family. I wouldn’t view this as ideal, although I realize at the same time that 99.99% of the human population wouldn’t view sitting in a quiet, air-conditioned cubicle for 8 hours a day for an income in the top 1% of the planet’s population as a hardship. Many of the “seize your passion” bloggers do – they assume that everyone can seize their internet business bliss – nobody has to make the computer, only to live off of them.

But that’s fine – of course some can and some can’t. Whether any of us choose to do so is of course a choice; if you love taking care of horses and instead choose to pursue a career as an account receivable manager, you’ve made a choice. Whether you can live with it or not is the problem – many can, and a few can’t. I’d guess that the time when all of this questioning really came into play was when the social contract that said companies would handle retirement broke down. If I worked for IBM for 25 years and knew they’d take care of me during those 25 years, and after, I’d be a lot more inclined to give up on the need for passion. But nowadays, that’s not true; just recently a colleague of mine got laid off from a company he’d worked for over 20 years without even a thank you. Your future is not secure.

I realized all of this tonight while reading to my son. For about a week we’ve been reading a few pages of “The Hobbit” by J. R. R. Tolkien every night. I’ve explained the general story to him – a little hobbit goes with a bunch of dwarves to steal back their gold from a dragon – but I don’t have many illusions about how well a four-year-old can follow Tolkien’s esoteric prose. It’s not exceptionally complicated, but it’s not Goodnight Moon.

But tonight when I asked him if he wanted to try something easier, he said no. I asked whether he understood most of it, and he said no. I asked then if he wanted to stop, and he said no. I asked why, if he couldn’t understand all of it, and he gave me an answer that should make things clear (to paraphrase): I’m excited about it because you’re excited about it, Papa. He liked listening to it because I liked reading it. Something was in my voice that wasn’t there when I was reading Goodnight Moon or I’m A Truck.

Some of my fondest memories from childhood are of my father reading The Hobbit to me from the same book at a slightly older age. I remember being a little confused by the language and the complex plot, but loving the fact that my dad thought I was ready for something so amazing. That passion translates easily, and makes reading something like The Hobbit far simpler than struggling through Goodnight Moon for the 100th time. Sitting down at the desk in the corporate office for the 100th time is much like that; coming up with new ideas, starting new jobs or developing new ideas is much like picking up The Hobbit.

I don’t like to think that work – and through that, life – is bleak without purpose. It’s not; other things should put life in balance even if there isn’t purpose in one’s work. But work and parenthood and friendship and one’s relationship with parents, community, school and whatever else are, in fact, intimately tied up with passion. Without the passion to pursue something – church, charity, community, work, parenthood, etc. – life is going to be a little less exciting. Excitement is its own reward.

infant swimming

Steve — Tue, 03 Aug 2010 14:08:05 +0000

People have certain basic skills they need to acquire. The ability to feed yourself, clean yourself and shelter yourself are obvious. Past this come a whole list of “really ought to acquire” skills: understanding money, literacy and so on. However, living in New York for more than a decade I noticed that two skills were often never acquired by many city people: driving and swimming. The driving is easy enough to understand: if you’ve ever visited New York or a similar big city you’d know that driving your own car is more expensive (parking, tolls, insurance) and public transportation makes it very easy to get anywhere without driving. Swimming can just be attributed to the cold weather and the lack of nearby pools for learning to swim.

But starting from an early age, Bubelah and I have taken pains to make sure that both of our children are not only able to swim for recreational purposes, but able to “rescue” themselves if they fall in water unexpectedly. With Little Buddy we started when he was less than 1 year old, and with Pumpkin we started just after she was 1. The necessity for the training moved from a mild concern to an urgent one when we moved to Florida. You can’t go 100 feet without seeing a pond or a pool or some other body of water – let alone the fact that we’re in an oceanfront town.

We signed both of our kids up for the Infant Swimming Resource, and to get an idea of what that was like, watch this video (if you’re a parent, it’s fairly amazing).

You might think that’s some kind of trick, but my son (a little older than 3 when he took the course) and daughter (a little more than 1 year old at the time) could do exactly the same, even in full clothes with shoes on. It’s a shocking thing to observe – in a good way. I still wouldn’t trust either of them to spend even 1 minute unattended around a pond, but it does give me the confidence that they wouldn’t panic if they did fall in water someday, which – in the minute it might take me to reach them – they wouldn’t do something that would result in drowning.

No parent (or spouse or friend or anything else) wants to contemplate the mortality of their loved ones. Jan commented on my post about making time for details about my lack of a will:

No WILLLLLLL?????? and you have children? This is really bad. Just jump on line and go to a simple legal site and download one. In fact- write one yourself and take it to your next party. Line up four people to sign that they saw you sign it. Do the details later. Appoint guardianship! Do it- TODAY!

Jan was of course right. Just like it was difficult to talk about why a survival swimming course for our children was necessary (because we don’t want them to drown), it was difficult to talk about how our children’s lives should be handled if we died before they were at least young adults. After I had written about not having a will, though, I realized it was time for us to answer the ugly questions finally – it was irresponsible parenting to teach children to swim but not worry about what would happen if they were thrown in the water, figuratively speaking, by their parents’ deaths.

Infant swimming is a good metaphor for many of the life skills we want for those we love to acquire, and for many of the actions we can take on their behalf to give them the ability to react in a crisis. We teach kids to recite their names and address from the time they can talk in case they are lost. We teach them to survive falling in a pond. We set up wills to protect them (frankly) against the system. So many of these actions are small, but they require asking yourself “what’s the worst that can happen” – and being honest with yourself about the answers.

Note: This month, ISR has been selected to compete in the Pepsi® Refresh Project. ISR needs daily votes for FLOAT during the month of August to “Help Eliminate Childhood Drowning” at this link www.refresheverything.com/InfantSwim.

Voting opened Sunday, August 1st, and is open for just one month! ISR supporters can vote daily to help provide ISR lessons to families in need. The Pepsi projects with the most votes receive the grants. If you feel so inclined, please vote to help a worthy cause: stopping childhood drowning.

Finances are Fun: 5 Ways to Encourage Your Child to Embrace the Spirit of Enterprise

Guest Writer — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 18:58:23 +0000

We live in a capitalistic society. Many say this with a sigh and a shake of the head, but there are some upsides that shouldn’t be overlooked. If you start early enough, it is possible to rise to unfathomable heights of success. Unfortunately, it’s also possible to destroy your credit and your life quite early in the game by not having a clear conception of how to manage your finances.

American young adults and children are notorious for their lack of financial know-how. In a society that practically forces you to get a credit card when you turn 18, this ignorance can be deadly. Here are five ways to teach your children how to excel in a competitive economy and to avoid the pitfalls along the way.

1. Teach the idea of financial self reliance early on.

There are times when everyone could use a helping hand, and there’s nothing wrong with that. With that said, there’s nothing wrong with teaching self reliance as a preferred choice. From a very young age, help your child differentiate between needs and wants. If the thing they’re asking for constitutes a “want”— assuming you can/will give it to them in the first place— set up a system where they can work to earn it. Even if “working for it” only means doing extra chores for a couple days, they’ve learned that work is necessary and beneficial.

2. Learning about compound interest is crucial.

When your child first learns about interest, start to talk to them about credit. Explain the pitfalls of taking out too much debt. At the same time, open up discussions concerning investment. Show them the potential for making money if they invest early in life. Compound interest can work for you, or against you. Teenagers are more likely to be interested in these discussions than younger children, so keep the conversations age-relevant.

3. Teach them about other financial perspectives.

Every society and individual family has a unique financial policy. Discussing other viewpoints allows your child to pinpoint the crucial financial questions that any functional philosophy seeks to answer. Here are some examples:

“Is private property a good thing?”
“Should we allow extreme divisions of wealth?”
“How much influence should governments/companies/individuals have in making financial policy.”

Accept that you might not agree with their answers. Keep any debate friendly and informative.

4. Encourage early attempts to start businesses.

When I was 8 years old, I started a business selling golf balls and cans of soda on the golf course next to my house. These early experiences taught me the basics of running a business. This knowledge was carried into my adult life, and inspired me to become a freelance writer.

You never know how far a child’s chosen small business will take them. A close friend in high schools started a lawn-mowing business. By the time he was 18 and had graduated high school, he was able to sell the business for 500K. Now, he manages a department of 100 people in a Fortune 500 company.

5. Allow your child to enjoy the fruits of their financial success, and, if applicable, controlled financial failure.

Saving for college is important, but don’t’ demand that your child put every penny they earn from a high school job into a savings account. Help them save a certain percentage, and allow them to spend the rest how they see fit. Never feeling rewarded for your work can foster an attitude of futility.

Finally, allow them to make manageable financial mistakes. If they don’t save ahead-of-time for a desired item, it’s “ok” to allow them to go without the item. Now is the time to make small mistakes so that larger, life altering, mistakes won’t be made down the line.

Bio: Alexis Bonari is a freelance writer and blog junkie. She is currently a resident blogger at onlinedegrees.org, researching areas of accredited online degrees. In her spare time, she enjoys square-foot gardening, swimming, and avoiding her laptop.

Photo by larbelaitz

dea(ovzo1!DD