5 ways to learn from others

Before I lost 100 pounds, I had switched doctors about five times in eight years. Each time my health insurance provider changed – and the company I worked for seemed to enjoy doing it annually – I had to find a new set of health care providers. Because of this, I seldom went for checkups, preferring to wait for an illness to visit. The doctor, seeing me for the first time, would not have much of a baseline by which to judge my health. I’d usually see him for a few minutes, get a prescription for whatever ailed me, and leave. If my blood pressure was high (and it almost always was – remember, I weighed 300+ pounds), I was warned to exercise more and eat less salt. For someone who was not exercising at all and eating a diet primarily composed of pizza, that was a tall order. But the sad thing is that the usual assessment from each doctor was “you are doing fine, just eat less, exercise a little more.”

Then I finally settled on a doctor and went to see him a few times. This was already after I had launched into my 100-pound weight loss regimen, and I was quite proud of myself. I told him all about my success to that point, having lost about 40 pounds. I was convinced that he would lavish praise on me for my success.

Instead, he did what (I think) a good doctor – or mentor of any sort – should do.
He told me that wasn’t nearly enough. He pointed out that weight loss was fine but my exercise habits were poor. He told me that while my blood pressure wasn’t high, I was young enough that it should be much lower. He told me that I was still obese and that I shouldn’t be proud of my “success” – only proud of a good start.

Creative Commons License photo credit: Sugar Pond

That was a slap in the face for me. After talking to him, I realized that losing 40 pounds wasn’t enough. I realized that weight loss wasn’t the goal – health was. I started exercising – at first riding an exercise bike, then walking on a treadmill, then running on a treadmill, then running outside. I took the low-carb diet I was on and modified it; I cut out the sausages and red meat and concentrated more on leafy greens, chicken and fish.

I would like to say it was easy, or that my doctor was encouraging.
He wasn’t. He also wasn’t the primary source of inspiration for my journey to health – I was, mostly out of fear. But having a doctor who wasn’t afraid to be in my face and challenge my assumptions about my health helped a lot. Having people in your life who are willing to lose you as a “customer” (so to speak) or as a friend or colleague by putting the truth in your face is rare, too.

Other moments in my life have provided similar slaps in the face: reading Rich Dad, Poor Dad (yes, I know, I know). I was certainly an expert in the earn more, spend more personal finance systems: how to make a lot but never to think about what the end game was (answer should be financial independence) or whether working 15 hour days was really worth that great salary. Kiyosaki at least challenged my assumption that this was the only path I had open to me after starting down my career path.

Nobody likes to hear they are fat, or out of shape, or lazy, or watching too much TV, or spending too much, or working too hard or even dressing sloppily. It is hard to face the truth, and hearing it when you’re not in a mindset to receive it is pointless. But the question is this: why aren’t you ready to accept the truth? Why wouldn’t you want to improve your life? Leave yourself open to good advice. Here are five things to remember:

  1. You are not always right. Most people struggle with the concept that they are not always right, which is odd when you stop to think about it. I understand that I am not omniscient. I also understand that I make mistakes. Yet at the same time, I’m often convinced that “my way” is right and that someone else’s way is wrong. Think politics, for example. It’s hard for most people to accept that their way is not always right. But repeat to yourself: I do not have an open connection to universal truth. The possibility that I am wrong about something is critical to self-understanding.
  2. Listen. Wait for someone else to finish speaking before you start. In fact, wait one breath before launching in. I had a terrible habit for years of finishing other people’s sentences – still do. But I fight it now. Keep your ears open as well as your mind – and that’s hard to do if you are verbally stumbling over other people’s thoughts.
  3. Ask questions. People love to be asked questions. When my doctor criticized my health despite what I felt was a good start, I asked him several questions. His answers reinforced his point even further. I remember one in particular: I asked “well, isn’t this pretty good compared to most other people?” He laughed and asked me if it made the least bit of difference to me whether it was good compared to others or not.
  4. Challenge. At the same time, if you don’t buy what someone’s selling, challenge them. Don’t argue – challenge. The difference, to me, is that an argument is a series of statements. “I like Tuesdays.” “Tuesdays are the worst, I hate Tuesdays – Wednesdays rock.” A challenge might sound like this: “Why do you like Tuesdays so much? Really, what’s the reason?” At least it advances the understanding of what’s being discussed.
  5. Seek out people (or books, or websites, or whatever) with different belief systems. I can tell you one thing from my years writing a political blog – if you spend all of your time around people of one political leaning, read that political leaning’s publications and watch their shows, you’ll have a tough time with the four steps ahead. Expose yourself to other ideas. If you’re an ardent low-carb dieter, read about vegetarianism. If you’re a Christian, read the Buddhist Scriptures. If you’re a firm believer in the evils of Communism, read Ten days that Shook the World. You get my drift.

Keep your mind open to new possibilities… and remember that learning new things is one of the keys to happiness. If it helps you improve your health or your finances or your relationships or your career or your life, too, well, then … schwing! Bonus.  I don’t want to pretend it’s easy – I struggle with these points daily – but being aware of the need to change is half the battle.

15 Replies to “5 ways to learn from others”

  1. I think keeping an open mind is the key to growth in any area. And, you should be proud of your 40 pounds! The point is that you get to the end game, one slow step at a time. I’m glad that the semi-rude but very truthful doctor was able to help you set your sights a little higher. I’m also glad that you changed your diet so well. It’s funny how we mostly know the right things to do, and yet, many of us still do not begin to do them until something bad happens..

    We all need several honest people like that in our lives to keep us going.

  2. I like this doctor. It’s great to lose weight, but only in the sense that you’re moving towards an overall goal. But the goal shouldn’t stop at weight loss, just like it shouldn’t stop at debt payoff.

    i think some people need it, but I hate head-patting. I need the cold, hard facts, doc.

  3. Thanks for such a great post. I really appreciated you sharing your experience with that doctor. The other day I chatted with a mentor like woman about really intense competitive feelings that arose around certain people. She replied, that I should only compete with myself. I found this really helpful. It’s similar to what the doctor was saying to you…. it doesn’t matter what other people are doing, what matters is that your doing the best you can. That’s sounds cheesy but I find to be really true. If I am doing pretty good (my standard made by my comparison to others) I often won’t push myself to do much better, even though I potentially could.
    Thanks again!

  4. I think the source of conflict between my two younger sisters and me are the listening part. They are not interested in listening to any advice I give them (especially financial advice). My husband and I looks like we are “poor” when compared to the external trappings of my sisters with their constant consumption of new cellphones, toys, and designer handbags. But we never worry about money and we go on at least two vacations a year.

    At this point, you are probably thinking maybe I should try listening to them? But sometimes I can only listen to so much about new toys, clothes, and how much money they are planning to spend (WBTW, they do not have), that I just want to roll my eyes and walk away. Makes me wonder if I was like them when I was in my early twenties.

  5. Relatively minor, compared to your story, Steve, but I finally got the dental floss religion when a hygenist gave me a big chewing out for not flossing regularly. My dentist wasn’t happy with her, but I needed the kick in the butt to do what was good for me. As I learned from The Marathon Man, never argue with the one who holds dental instruments in your mouth 🙂 .

    @Asithi – Live in a way that makes you and your husband happy, not your sisters. You don’t have to please them; only yourself.

  6. You are spot on with #1- You are not always right. It is hard sometimes to realize it when you are interacting with someone and open your mind to their point of view-but it is certainly true. I know I could improve my interactions and probably learn a little more if I would think about that more often.

  7. I love praise and I hate criticism.

    On the health care theme – I’ve been seeing my dentist for – forever…he’s a nice guy and pretty good about doing all the work necessary but he always has some sort of compliment at the end of the appointment which I always makes me feel better. It’s usually the assistants who give me crap and inspire me to work harder on my teeth. 🙂


  8. Haha @ the dental hygienist stories. That was so me also. BUT what I noticed really helped wasn’t a hygienist who scolded, but one who was kind of sarcastic about it. When I said I hated flossing, he started making semi-jokes about how tasty pureed food is….

  9. Louis & Joel Kestenbaum/Fortis Property Group to purchase State Street Financial Center.

    Fortis Property Group is leading the “Northeast-based private real estate investment group” that has agreed to acquire the 1 million-square-foot State Street Financial Center at 1 Lincoln Street in Boston for more than $880 million, or $880 per square foot, according to sources familiar with the sale.

    The Brooklyn, NY-based Fortis, which includes Louis and son Joel Kestenbaum, and a group of other New York investors are expected to close on the 36-story office tower from a joint venture led by American Financial Realty Trust (NYSE:AFR) and an affiliate of IPC US Income REIT by the end of this year or early 2007.

    Fortis apparently set its sights on Boston following several high-profile Dallas deals where it agreed to pay about $280 million for the three-building, 1.4 million-square-foot office complex known as Galleria Office Towers in Dallas. Earlier in the year, Fortis teamed with Trimarchi Management, also from New York, on the nearly $100 million acquisition of two other Dallas office properties, Harwood Center and Saint Paul Place. It also invested in the $282.5 million purchase of JPMorgan International Plaza in Dallas.

    The addition of State Street Financial Center will build out Fortis’ portfolio considerably. The privately held firm headed by CEO Jonathan Landau is controlled by the Louis Kestenbaum family. Fortis manages some 3 million square feet in commercial properties and about 454 residential units.

    American Financial, a Jenkintown, PA, REIT decided to formally shop the 36-story tower in the last couple of months. The company is pruning its portfolio and repositioning itself. The REIT paid $705.4 million or $688.84 per square foot in February 2004 to acquire the property. Later that year, it sold a 30% stake to an affiliate of Canadian REIT IPC US Real Estate Investment Trust, for $60.3 million.

    The building is fully leased with triple A credit tenant State Street Corp. occupying most of the building under a lease that runs until 2023. State Street also leases the property’s 900-space garage on a 20-year triple-net lease.

  10. A Sordid Lawsuit Shakes the Satmar Chasidic world .

    Brooklyn N.Y. Lezer ( Louis ) Kestenbaum chairman of the ODA in Williamsburg Brooklyn NY resigned from the ODA soon after settling a lawsuit filed in May 2008 in U.S. District Court for the District of Florida for an undisclosed sum alleging he had a sexual relationship with a minor, Joel Kestnbaum the son of Louis kestenbaum will become chairman of the ODA.

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